Tuesday, December 29, 2009

All My Single Ladies...

We often hear stories lamenting the plight of single black women and their search for suitable black men to marry. I recently saw one at:

I have a few thoughts on this. I happen to be a happily married black man who married a beautiful black woman almost seven years ago. My wife and I have much in common. We both were raised in what would probably be considered traditional homes. We each had both our parents in the home. Both our fathers were the primary bread winners for the family and seen as the head of the household. Though our mothers both worked, they were also phenomenal mothers and homemakers. They were raised to be such. We both saw a glimpse of how things were in the "good old days." I suppose some would think of living arrangements like this as archaic and antiquated, but you know what? IT WORKED.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't have a lot of patience for sorry, shiftless black men. As our problems and issues have been greatly documented, I'd like to take a few minutes and view the opposite side of the coin, the black woman. You see, my mother was raised from a young girl to be a good wife and mother. She learned may skills that I fear are becoming a lost art among the young women of my generation and the younger. I have a question that I feel could shed a lot of light on this issue for the single black woman. Do you even know what does it mean to be a good wife?

It seems to me that the ladies of my generation on down are not raised with the objective of becoming a good wife, homemaker or mother. In too many cases this is a secondary objective that they are left to figure out on their own. In middle class to affluent black families, it seems the primary goal and focus for women is now education and career. Some of you may stop reading after this but how many of you were taught to cook? Sew? Raise children? Perhaps most of all, dare I say, defer to a man?

Black woman, for a lot of reasons, many of them good, you are raised to be independent. You are not raised to accept the fact that you have a need. You are often raised to suppress it. This could be because of the fact that it seems that you can't depend on men these days. (A statement I can't really argue with) It could be because you have your own goals, dreams and aspirations and you are not going to submit to anyone, much less any man.

I know I'm "old school," but it seems to me, that today we are raising our black girls to be what men should be:

The Protector The Provider The Leader TheVisionary The Watchwomen

Could someone please tell me what happened to:

The Supporter The Nurturer The Helper The Homemaker The Comforter

I am far from perfect, but I am too thankful that I have a wife that acknowledges that she needs me. My wife has more education than I do, but she still supports me, respects my wishes, submits to me and allows me to be the man. That may sound strange to some. I would have you know that I would die before I would let someone hurt her or my daughter. It makes me happy to know that she trusts me to hold her heart in my hand and I treasure her for the "good thing" that she is (Proverbs 18:22)

I'd like to submit to you that it is really not all about education and or finances. Your bank accounts, house, clothes and the car you drive shouldn't be the things that motivate you in life. The older I get, I realize that family is the largest, preeminent and overarching ambition of my life. Family used to be the ambition of most black folks. Family is the foundation from which we build strong communities and a strong nation. We the black men and black women must return to that...


  1. Beck you are right! It also seemed that those women expected to just waltz into marriage just because they had careers and fabulous hair. Those ties require time to develop and if you spend that time marinating on statistics, not cooking, not learning how to be silent and trust God and complaining you'll stay single. Great Blog!

  2. "Careers and fabulous hair!" Hilarious! You are as funny as I remember my friend! Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. I agree with this completely, however, its not just black men, or black women, its all of the young (my) generation. I look around me and I see none of these things as future goals. I look around I see babies having babies, I look around I see these people thinking that money, drugs, and sex are what they should aspire to aquire. I look around me I see disaster, I see pain, I see hurt. Its funny because (as you probably remember) I too was in this boat in high school. Girls looking to these boys or even these grown men for attention, for love, due to the lack of love and attention from home. I want to know, what will these young men and women of my generation, teach thier children? Will they teach them what they see on tv and hear on the radio? will they teach them that they need to have alot of money in order to be respected? or will they teach them how to manage their money, how to pay thier bills, how to keep good credit, how to tithe, how to bless others? will they teach them that the more sex they have, the more partners they have,will put them in the spotlight or define them? or will they teach them that sex is an act of love to be shared between two people that God has joined together in marriage. a lifetime commitement? I wish there were more men and women like you and your wife. More christian couples for us to look up too. More families like yours to teach us the values and morals that we all should have. I wish there were more people from YOUR generation that would reach out to mine and take back what the devil stole. Love, honesty, family, compassion, drive, ambition, submission.... And I wish there were more people from my generation who were willing to listen, to thier fathers and grandfathers, pastors, mothers grandmothers and first lady's and church mothers. People willing to do what it takes to step up and be the good men and women, fathers and mothers, that God intended us to be.

  4. Wow... Thank you Ashley. You are in my prayers and I know you are going to make it. You love God and He loves you.

    I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

    Philippians 1:3-6

  5. Jeanine! Love it!

    Ashley be encouraged and allow God to use you as an example despite what sorrow and sadness is around you. You give us hope by merely acknowledging that this way of marriage is lacking significantly in our generations. So we will all stay prayerful and live for Jesus in every aspect of our lives.

  6. Great Article!!!!!!!

    I agree wholeheartedly with everything you had to say. I try to stay positive but I look around and things just appear to be so bleak. Thanks for being a reminder that there are still good young men out there..........GOTTA KEEP HOPE ALIVE.

  7. Dearroka,
    Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

    Psalm 37:3-5

    Thank you for reading and commenting! Stay positive, watch and pray. I am learning that God often has plans for us that look nothing like what we have in mind. The beauty of delighting ourselves in the Lord is this: As our will falls in line with his, our heart's desires fall in line with HIS heart's desires and we achieve ultimate fulfillment! You are in my prayers!

    Your's in Christ,


  8. I do not know what lead me to your page today but as always with God, it is right on time! I just celebrated my 4th anniversary with my husband and I looked back to where we began and where we are going. Unlike you and your wife, we come from totally different upbringings but we both shared the same ideals for what we wanted in life and what we want for our children. I have noticed through the years though that there are things that I think are commonplace that he doesn't deem so important such as eating as a family, at the table, every night. Now if I could just get him to go to church with us......

    Many of my so called "friends" complain that I put my family, especially my husband's needs before the thing that they think I should be doing. Many tell me that they don't plan to marry because they don't want to do the things that I do. I like making my husband his coffee in the morning, even if I leave before him. I like making his meals, even if I have already eaten.

    I do feel that marriages have shifted from focus on family to other issues. I am not saying my marriage is perfect, it definitely takes work on both ends. But if we could just go back to the basics, so much positive could arise.


  9. Hey Ericka! I'm not sure if we know each other but thanks for reading and commenting. I'm so glad to hear your perspectives on caring for your husband and family. I do believe it is a lost art. I will pray that your husband and you can begin to learn God's word and worship together. I personally don't know how folks stay married without Christ at the center.

    Ephesians 5:25 instructs us husbands to love [our] wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. That means that we should love our wives more than we love ourselves. We should love them with a sacrificial, sanctifying kind of love. Keep praying for him to join you in worship. 1 Peter 3:1 says, "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives." I believe that he will come around based on your devotion. If he comes up short, love him harder!

    I'd like to recommend a book and a movie. The book is the Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick and the movie is Fireproof. Are you familiar with either?